


Solipsism

by indefensibleselfindulgence



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Daemons, Angst, Caleb's Past Mentioned, Character Study, Daemon Feels, Daemon Touching, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Multi, Original Daemons - Freeform, POV Multiple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 11:12:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17466491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indefensibleselfindulgence/pseuds/indefensibleselfindulgence
Summary: Caleb's daemon is severed by Trent.It would be more of a problem if he didn't have Frumpkin with him.





	Solipsism

**Author's Note:**

> i [ came up with an au and i committed ](http://iamalivenow.tumblr.com/post/181879684869/hey-daemon-au-calebs-daemon-was-severed-by)
> 
> heres [ my full list for them btw ](http://iamalivenow.tumblr.com/post/182109159749/hey-you-know-that-daemon-au-i-mentioned-a-while)
> 
> also if you don't know what daemons are they're from His Dark Materials and they're embodiment of your soul in animal form. they're supposed to stay close to unless they've been severed which is a very bad time for every person involved. when you're young they change a lot and once you get older they settle into one form. it's also weird for people to have a soul thats the same gender as them. thats all you really need to know. 
> 
> not beta'd

For as drawn off of a person that Caleb is, he's very quick to send his daemon to play with the others.  
  
Beau only notices when they've been traveling together for a month, and Frumpkin sits in Yasha's lap, purring. Purring loudly. Georgina sits at the end of her staff, asleep and not paying attention to how weird this situation is, which is weird and confusing and informal and okay, she's jealous yes mostly because she didn't realize that they were this close.  
  
Yasha, in turn, doesn't seem to notice that Frumpkin is even in her lap, purring.  
  
Sure, they're a weird group. Both her and Caleb have same-sex daemons which is weird for humans, Jester's daemon is a different sex which is weird for tieflings, Molly's daemon clings to other people's daemons which is weird for everyone, and Yasha's is...  
  
It still makes her uncomfortable to even think it.  
  
She doesn't know why- no she does, and it's entirely her parents fall – but she still can't bring her self to just casually say-  
  
She thinks maybe Yasha appreciates the purring ball of orange fur just like Yasha appreciates hearing Caleb speak her language. And fuck it, that's weird too.  
  
Beau can't blame her for missing- for-  
  
She gets it.  
  
She doesn't have to like it, but she gets it. She can't nudge Georgie- Well, she could. But she can't bring herself to nudge Georgie into Yasha's lap when Yasha gets that far off look in her eye.  
  
At least Fjord has his normal daemon.  
  
Well.  
  
She doesn't like her, but that's only because Beau's dad had a snake too, and she's pretty content, eager almost, to put all of that behind her. And besides, Autana is a sea snake. Her father's was a big fat python Beau hated looking at.  
  
The other weird, noticeably weird to people not used to Caleb, not that she's used to Caleb, but comparatively, Frumpkin can still change form. Caleb is probably thirty-something, and Beau watches cat Frumpkin turn into a raven like Caleb's still three.  
  
And she watches bird Frumpkin bolt into the air, ten feet, twenty, thirty, forty, a hundred feet away from Caleb like it's nothing. Georgie presses into the crook of her neck and whispers what Beau already knows.  
  
That's just as weird, just as confusing as the closeness, as the changing, as all of Caleb's secrecy and bullshit and magic.  
  
Maybe that's what it is, she thinks during watch in the woods.  
  
She nudges Georgie to head to the tree line, and it takes her a little bit, being as small as she is. And once she gets there, stretching her arms out and waiting.  
  
“What are you doing?” Fjord asks.  
  
“Don't worry about it.” Beau sends her to the next set of trees. Twenty feet. Pretty good. Pretty explainable. Georgie makes it to the next line of trees, thirty, and Beau feels the tug. The horrific, painful, saddening tug at the back of her neck that shoots electricity up and down her spine. She can hear Georgie whine all the way from the fire.  
  
“Serious- Hey-” Beau holds a hand up, and Fjord shuts up- Autana hisses loudly, and Beau holds her hand up again.  
  
Thirty-five, and the electricity turns to fire. The thoughts come by the hundreds, disappointment, embarrassment, worry worry worry, loathing loathing loathing, and above everything else, pain, pain, pain.  
  
Forty, and Beau wants to die.  
  
Georgie comes bounding back, up her leg and into the crook of her neck and she cries. Beau wants too. She doesn't, but she wants too, taking Georgie into her palms and holding her close to the chest.  
  
“Don't tell the others.” Beau hisses, and Fjord just looks confused.  
  
Good.    
  
Whatever.  
  
Then, in Zadash, a month later, Caleb tells her and Nott how he set his parents on fire, and some things start to make more sense than others.  
  
Not everything- not even close.  
  
But it's a start.

  
…

  
  
“Can you send Frumpkin?” Fjord asks, mostly for Nott's benefit.  
  
Caleb frowns, running his hand over Frumpkin's fur. Fjord doesn't presume to know a lot of things about human daemons. He's barely aware of his own half the time, even when Autana sprouts eyes along her back that he's only too sure match where U'katoa's eyes must be.  
  
Humans do weird shit sometimes, and wizards to weirder shit, so he was barely surprised the first time Caleb's cat daemon turned into an octopus, because the octopus is useful, and Caleb offered.  
  
Now, between Darktow and Avantika and running, Caleb's fingers cling to Frumpkin's fur with a kind of desperation.  
  
He whispers something in Zemnian and Frumpkin purrs before shifting, tentacles sticking to Caleb's skin.  
  
“You don't have to,” Nott calls from the side, and just as Fjord is about to tell him that yes, he does, Caleb dumps Frumpkin into the water. Autana hisses in his ear, pleased with turn of events, and Fjord can't help but agree.    
  
He invites Autana to join Frumpkin, and she lets him know that she's only doing it because the water feels good against her scales and Fjord isn't going to argue with her. Whatever she wants.  
  
She doesn't go as deep as Frumpkin does, obviously, they're not suicidal, but she drifts through the waves.  
  
The current feels good.  

  
…

  
  
“Did you know.” Jester starts, sing-song and with a huge smile on her face. “That tieflings have bird daemons because when the devils escaped hell, they used birds to guide them.”  
  
Their side of the table is a little cramped, mostly by their stuff but everyone else is at the bar fucking around so Jester thought she could stake out the prime Caleb real estate.  
  
“I have heard that, ja.” He says, only just now looking up from his book. “Why?”  
  
“It just sounds romantic to me,” Jester tells him. “Don't you think it's romantic, Caleb?”  
  
“I think you thinking its romantic makes it romantic.”  
  
“Whoa.”  Jester whispers in awe, head resting on his shoulder and horn digging into his coat. Adoration flits up and settles on her other one, sharp claws digging into the grooves of her horns like they always do. “Hey, Caleb?”  
  
“Ja, Jester?”  
  
“Do you ever want to touch Adore?” He stiffens up like he does sometimes and Jester leans off because she's learned. “Because you can. I don't mind. But only if you want to.” Of course.  
  
“Ah- That is very nice Jester, but I'm alright.”  
  
“Oh. Okay. But if you ever want to you can!”  
  
It's one of those polite empty gestures. Empty mostly because Caleb really doesn't seem to want to, but her mama taught her manners, and there's no reason to not offer anyway.  
  
Then they're on the deck of The Ball Eater after Caduceus obliterates the other ship with one spell which was Very Cool, late at night. Both of them are tired, probably. That's why she thinks he does it. But Adore settles on Caleb's shoulders, just to pull a leaf out of Caleb's hair, and he seems almost absent-minded when he glides his fingers against Adore's soft plumage.  
  
Jester feels it shoot up her spine- just as dizzying as when Fjord kissed her underwater, though now that she thinks about it maybe it had something to do with her losing oxygen. Caleb must not even recognize what he's doing- maybe he thinks it's Frumpkin.  
  
When he does realize though, he jerks his hand back and starts apologizing- really apologizing.  
  
She's never seen a grown man cry before.  
  
(Well, not one that didn't ask for mama to kick him in the balls first, but she doesn't think that sort of thing counts.)  
  
“Caleb! Caleb- Caleb! It's okay!” Even if it feels weird, like soft hands brushing against her heart. Not bad, not scary, just- just shocking. “It's okay.”  
  
She takes him to her quarters, mostly so that the crew doesn't see him whispers tiny little apologies through tears and holds him. Frumpkin sits in his lap, and Caleb cards his fingers through Frumpkin's fur.  
  
“I'm sorry.” He whispers again- voice raw and miserable- and Adoration sings a tune for him- one that always made Jester smile when she was younger.    
  
“It's okay Caleb.” She reaches out to try and hold his hand, and when he doesn't lurch away, she gives it a squeeze. “I offered, remember?”

  
…

  
  
Halcyon takes his sweet time climbing up Molly's shoulder.  
  
Long enough that Molly can track Caleb dip into the office of the man they're here to break into. Hal's tail fans out wide and the crowd coos in awe. Wreathed in peacock feathers and Caleb's little balls of light, he's sure he looks as stunning as anything.  
  
“You cut a striking figure, ja,” Caleb told him later, while they were sitting around a fire for watch. Frumpkin by Caleb's feet, soaking up the warmth.  
  
Halcyon fidgets just like Mollymauk fidgets because even being this far from another living thing feels isolating sometimes. He's clingy. He knows he's cling. He knows it's weird that he's this clingy, but the ever creeping feeling of dirt and cold don't leave.  
  
Even after two years.  
  
Caleb must notice because sometimes Caleb notices the most peculiar things and pats the log next to him.  
  
Molly moves, resting his head on Caleb's shoulder in way that his horn doesn't cause bodily harm and Hal sides up next to Frumpkin, feathers fanning for only a moment while the other daemon stretches.  
  
“I'm glad we're good at petty theft.” He says, and Caleb smiles in that kind of sad way he does sometimes.  
  
“Worse things to be good at.” He says.  
  
He's shit is fucked up, they all know it.  
  
Molly doesn't prod. He's not an asshole. Beau can prod if she's curious, and Nott can worry over her boy if she needs too, but Molly's good. He's fine with just sitting next to Caleb. Being there for the weird man with the weird soul in a quiet, undemanding way.  
  
“Worse things to be good at.” Molly nods.

  
…

  
  
Yasha misses Quince.  
  
They travel up north again, and she misses her more than anything. Just as much as she misses Zuala.  
  
There's a weight in her lap that she pretends not to notice. Frumpkin drops a flower he pulled out from the roadside with the roots by her feet and settles after kneading her knees.  
  
Caleb has been doing this for a while now, and Yasha is nothing if not grateful. She turns her head to look, and Caleb is busy reading some massive book with Nott in his lap. He tries to be slick about it.  
  
Frumpkin is warm under her hands, and she can feel his heart hammer up against her palms.  
  
Caleb talks to her in her old language when the others don't listen, and despite everything, it makes her chest warm to hear it again. Ever since Molly-  
  
Ever since-  
  
Ever since-  
  
Frumpkin purrs and Yasha tries to forget what Halcyon's feathers felt like against her skin.

  
…

  
  
Caduceus stares at Frumpkin and then to Caleb and then back to Frumpkin.  
  
“Do they know?” He asks in Sylvan and Caleb takes a few beats before throwing up over the side of the boat. Well, that's an answer as good as any. Caduceus feels like he should apologize, maybe. “I won't tell them if you don't want me too.”  
  
“I-” Caleb wipes his mouth clean with the back of his sleeve. “Thank you.”  
  
The night air is cold.  
  
Frumpkin coils between his legs and then leaps up onto his shoulder.  
  
As far as fey familiars go, he's glad Caleb has such a kind one.  
  
“What happened to your-” Caleb holds a hand up and shakes his head and Caduceus thinks that's as good of an answer as any too. “Do you know where they are?”  
  
Caleb nods.  
  
So, worse then he imagined.  
  
“It's ah- Don't tell them. I- they'll think-” It sounds like Caleb doesn't know what they'll think- Caduceus is pretty sure they won't care.  
  
“I won't.” He pats Frumpkin's head. “We don't have them so I can tell you honestly that I don't care, one way or the other. I can't know how much it must hurt either, though, so that's unfortunate.”  
  
“Bad,” Caleb says. And then a moment later, “Miserable.”  
  
“But you have Frumpkin to help.”  
  
Frumpkin moves to Caleb's shoulder with a quick jump and smooshes his face into Caleb's.  
  
“Frumpkin is very helpful.” Caleb sounds small when he says it.

…

  
Nott can't remember the last time she was this absolutely blasted.  
  
It was chugging the whiskey and the ale that did it. Every step she takes makes the town spin and blur like a toy.  
  
Her boy is just as gone, laughing hysterically at something his cat thing is doing that Nott can't look at because the orange colors make her want to throw up. Their inn room is warm and cozy and with windows that have blinds on them, so when they wake up at four in the afternoon with a horrific hangover at least, the sun isn't going to hurt.  
  
“Bed- Caleb bed-” She slurs, kicking her boots off and flinging the mask at a wall. It clangs off the wood with a satisfying thud.  
  
“Nott-” She falls on the bed face first. “Nott-” He can barely get her name out in between the giggles. “Nott I have to-” He curses in Zemnian when tries to sit on the bed and misses.  
  
“Poor Caleb.” She says, patting a corner of his head, claws catches on his ears.  
  
“Nott I have to tell you-” Another series of giggles. “Tell you something- it's so- it's so good Nott.” He laughs- cheers even when someone bangs on the wall.  
  
“Shh- shh- shh Caleb-” She keeps patting.  
  
“Ja- shh-” He snickers and turns around until his chin is resting on the mattress. “You have big eyes.”  
  
“Caleb-” She laughs now too, rolling on her side to look at him. “Oh, you do too.”  
  
“Nott!” He says again- dramatically, reaching up to try and hold her hand awkwardly. It takes them a few tries. “I have to tell you a secret.”  
  
“Oh, I like secrets.”  
  
“Ja- me too. Frumpkin isn't my daemon.” He says and laughs again- more than a little hysterical now. “I don't know where Maria is, Nott- I don't know where she is, but I have-” He sighs deeply- really deeply. “I have Frumpkin, Nott- I'm a liar Nott-”  
  
“That's clever.” She says because she doesn't understand- never understood the whole daemon thing. “You're so smart Caleb.”  
  
“You think so- Because- because I feel bad about it but- But no one ever asks so-”  
  
“You're very smart. Wow.” She pats his head again. “I have secrets too, but all of my secrets are Fucked Up!”  When someone bangs on the wall, they both cheer.  
  
She's pretty sure neither of them know why.  
  
“All of my secrets are fucked up.” He says.  
  
“Fucked up secret pals.” She says. “That's us Caleb- And Frumpkin he can be in the secret pals too. Because he's the secret.”  
  
“That's very good.” He hauls himself up on the bed and lifts Nott up on to his chest. “Fucked up secret pals!” He yells, and she yells too- towards the end.  
  
The only reason they don't get kicked out of the inn is because Caleb gives their neighbors half of their silver and cries on their shoulders for half an hour.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always encouraged and very very very appreciated
> 
> talk[ to me here](http://iamalivenow.tumblr.com/)


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